Tom, Dick and Harry

Well like very OTHER Tom, Dick & Harry I want to be an actor.  So I been goin’ to auditions trying to get something I’m even applying in NYC even tho I don’t live there. If London doesn’t work I will go there. I’ve got my London accent down since I’ve been 5 years so I’m sure I could pass especially considering the work Don Cheadle (see the hilarity at 1:10) has done in the Oceans series. In the rubble, really mate?. So I went for an audition for the play Salome by Oscar Wilde. In the breakdown it said “there will be movement”. I had never been to one of those. SO. I didn’t wear a tight dress but I did put on my skinny jeans, I mean how much “movement” was there gonna be?

So I arrived and it was a group of 10. 9 chicks and one dude. So first they had us stretch out our vocals. That whole “mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi” shit. I really couldn’t do it, not cos I can’t sing (well I do most of my singing in the shower) it’s cos I just had regained my voice –lost it on my birthday night out coming home at 5 am—and I didn’t want to lose it again! Then they had us do body warm ups. And I’m not talking about a stretch here in there, I’m talking about a PROPER body warm up. Like for an aerobics class. This was meant to relax us.

See, very soothing

We’re in the upstairs of an old pub in like 85 degree weather (10 more inside, especially with no a/c) doing class war ups in skinny jeans! Okay just to clarify, I don’t go to the gym to relax. I don’t go into a hot box full of sweaty people that smells like some fancy Europe cheese grunting and panting and wearing grossly inappropriate clothing for their body type, to relax!  The gym does not relax me. I only go so when I eat cake it doesn’t count!

So after our woeful warm ups they proceed to show us some “basic” moves.

“Okay so step forward. Draw your leg in a circle. Move to here and go there”

I’m sorry what? I asked them to repeat b/c honestly what were they trying to teach us.

Then they say, “Sorry, your group has less time than the others so we don’t have enough time to teach you”

Great

Then they proceed to do it all over again “once more with feeling” oh and with arms. Turns out they were doing ballet and dissecting each move. Now I did ballet for 6 years. In fact I still remember most of the basic steps. But I do believe to teach dance, once should number “5, 6, 7 8” etc. And use the correct terms or you know say tings like  “one step to the left, two steps to the right”.  I totally bombed. I’m sure my monologues was okay but seeing as I looked a graceful as Amy Winehouse on any of her bender days, surprise, I didn’t get the job. Onwards and upwards right?

Grace personified

Listening to you describe your d*ck is NOT, I repeat, NOT in my job description.

So right. The only thing note worthy is the fact that recently I did some extra work on the new Jack Black film Gulliver’s Travels. Should be interesting. Like the narcissist that I am, I will definitely go and see it just to see if I can spot my shoulder or the back of my hand for like .00017 of a second. But I must say I was surprised about cool Black was and not up his own ass. When it was time for lunch he got in the back (because he came last) and waited his turn. His co star, some dude, went straight to the top of the line. And I all I could think was …wait a second, who ARE you. Oh wait you’re in Cloverfield right…wait I’m checking IMBD and …wait. NO. So WHO are you again?

So wait...you're this guy right?

Anyways this is supposed to be about work perversions. So I met this dude who asked me out. I took his card to word to make all the girls and gay guys jealous. Have to admit, he is pretty flippin’ fit. I mean F I T. Right so the chef who reminds me too much of my dad to have that “older gentleman” appeal is on me like white on rice. So I show this card to give him that  “I date men my age now” message.  Yes I did date an older man. So sue me* Instead he retorts with

Chef: “Why do you show me this? ”

Me: “I jus wan you to see that ya know, other men (read: people I can actually think about without being a lil sick in my mouth) are…”

Chef: “What! What you think I am? You see this?”  Points to his forearm and balled fist

Chef continues: “It’s always hard. It’s not soft. It’s hard. Doesn’t matter when, in the morning, in the afternoon, at night. It’s there!”

LIKE THANK YOU FOR HARRASSING ME! Like I want to know about your dick. It’s like having that drunk uncle at a family get -together who forgets you’re related and proceeds to tell you what a nice ass you have.

Somebody's drunk uncle

Sorry I’m late…

Right so I haven’t been here awhile. I really don’t have any good reasons other than pure laziness. So if you were ever interested and you don’t want to go out but you don’t want to watch Friday night TV and think this may be better than porn, I am here!

Yep, this is not as good as what you're about to read

I wanna bite somebody in the face!!!

man i am so ENRAGED right know i don’t even know where to begin. okay so first of all remember when i talking about looking for apartments (thats if you actually follow this thing, i can see you scratching your heads) and i said it was pissing me off. well i found one. it was on the smaller side, but it was nice, in a great area, and close to transport links (and if you live in a big city, it’s all about location). so i put down a holding deposit. now before i venture further with this rant, i think you should have some history.

HISTORY

before this, i found a gorgeous flat and it was big and etc

it was kinda like this but without all the expensive shit

i wanted this sooooo bad. like a crack addict in need of a fix, i wanted this thing. so i went in and they said i didn’t make enough money to rent it  …BUT if i met the landlord and he liked me then maybe there was a chance. so i got all professional, put on my best shoes and stuff but it was still a no go. even though i had brought my lease to show that i had been paying the same amount for a full year, he said

“after you pay me, how are you going to live?”

and i thought, why do you give a shit? as long as you get your money, what does it matter about the rest of bills. if i don’t eat why do you care? just consider it a new diet. Hello . that’ s also why i’d be putting down a 1600 deposit, so should i default on my rent, you’d have all that money to toss my ass out. it’s like he was personalizing and feeling “bad” if i couldn’t pay other bills.

anorexic dog...not your fault (ps PETA gonna get me)

like i know as a landlord it’s in your best interest to secure the apartment is rented all the time but it was a really nice place it wasn’t like it was gonna be on the market for long ya know. and after he took his 1600 i’m sure he’d be fine.

so after this little encounter i learned about this “not making enough money” ‘problem’ (even though i have been paying this amount of rent for 5 YEARS!). i thought i would fix said ‘problem’ by upping what i made a little bit. so back to the new, smallish place.

i put a holding depsoit down (stupid, but necessary), and got a fake work reference stating i made a helluva lot more than i did. so then they asked to see bank statements. now legally they have a right to ask but not receive. and FYI i’ve never handed over bank statements before. and i was def. not about to now, seeing as well, my meager earnings would not match up to what i and  what my work reference said. so to comprimise, i gave them a bank balance, which if i may so myself is pretty hefty. it even had a “paid in” amount so they could see i had money going in, and like i have been doin for 5 years CAN PAY THE RENT.

no, that wasn’t enough. so i gave them some payslips… so they were a little cooked* to reflect what i said i made,

Maury, I'm 100% sure that I am NOT the father!

but i had to! knowing that they would reject me (AND I CAN’T REPEAT THIS ENOUGH, I CAN PAY) based on my wages. and  nope STILL not good enough. they wanted to run a credit check! and i was like WTF. i have been renting for 5 YEARS and i’ve never once had to a) hand over bank account details or  b) do a credit check.

and i wish the mofo agent had told me at the time he was gonna need all of that shit beforehand, cos if he had, i would have told him to forget it (wisely) and not hand over a holding deposit for something (on paper) that i couldn’t afford.

I’M SO FUCKING FURIOUS RIGHT NOW.  especially b/c he, a whole WEEK after i put down the holding deposit, knew he was gonna need this shit but didn’t tell me till later. and when i asked for the holding deposit back he said nope b/c it covers the days the property was “off the market” and “admin” fees.

i thought um… the apartment won’t be vacated until the 22nd of May (it’s the 9th today by the way). meaning IT’S NOT OFF THE MARKET cocksucker. so really the land lord hasn’t lost any money. and as far as  “admin” fees. all he did was look at a FUCKING EMAIL OF SCANNED PICTURES. and he has to say “no, i can’t give you your money back b/c these are the bullshit rules that i didn’t explain to you and i just sit on my ass all day”. CUNT. that’s right i said it.

CUNT.

that’s so CUNTISH. they don’t explain these “rules” to you and then FUCK you up afterwards.  and now i have to beg for my current landlord to let me stay in my current flat afer i’ve given my notice. brilliant.

i totally feel like this giraffe right now

My boyfriend is JUST as hot…

So… just got off the phone with my mom. and she tells me my sister in law thinks my boyfriend is ugly. and so does my niece. and it’s kind of upsetting because yeah you can think what you want but you don’t have to tell me. okay so sure my mom told me. but my niece did tell me to my face which ya know, i don’t exactly care for.

how would she like it, if i went up to her and said i thought her boyfriend was ugly…

...but he's got a great personality!

i’m sure she’d get a face on her and be like “that’s not very nice” or maybe a little harsher like “you’re a fucking bitch”.

it just hurts my feelings ya know, and i know the truth hurts or whatever. but to be fair a) he’s not ugly [and no, i'm not saying that to suddenly salvage any pride, or convince myself that somehow giving a blow job to an ugly person is acceptable by any means] and b) it all comes down to taste.

my sister in law has a thing for black dudes. and that’s fine. she’s black…not that that matters though. she’s always telling me when am i gonna get one for myself…this issue relates WAY back when she knew me in high school and my favorite store was pacsun and my list of favorite bands included the Chili Peppers, Limp Bizkit, Staind, the Toadies etc.

Now that’s changed a bit, i’ve grown a little more and i still love the Peppers, i actually screamed when i saw them in concert about 2 years ago..

still freakin' awesome

but i’m into blues and jazz more. and i suppose i’m a bit more “black” whatever that is.

but that still doesn’t change my taste in men. now i’m not an “oreo” or a “coconut” (for you not informed that black on the outside, white on the inside).  i don’t prefer white guys because they’re white. i prefer men that:

• have a good sense of humor
• attractive
• loyal
• honest
• can hold an intelligent conversation that doesn’t contain the word “tits”
• good at cunnilingus

if he’s white, black, yellow, red whatever. as long as he’s ticks my boxes then i’m down! but for some reason since i’ve never brought a black guy home, i’m less black. see i don’t get this. again this goes to the old argument of “what is black?”

just because i went to college, got educated, don’t have 50 kids, and not gang bangin’ that means i’m not black…

he's clearly black

but to insist that all of those things must be true for me to be black, is also wrong…

he too is also black...

anyway, without going on a tirade, what i’m tyring to say is that obviously people have different tastes which lead to different opinions. now if i asked for an opinion, then i reap what i sow. but if i don’t, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP.

oh and about my niece, she’s all about emo boys with a band name like “distraught cables in the neck” who sound like their balls han’t dropped yet singing about their painfully important *high school careers*

*yeah. SOOOOOOOO hot*

How the Grinch sexually harrassed me…and then insulted the chef…

Right, fine. So I work in this place that’s not quite like hell but it’s not better than bus stop on the wrong side of town at like 10pm after a few…

So my first main point is the boss/owner whom I have dubbed the Grinch.

this job could be quite possibly worse than this film

When i fist met him instead of acting like a normal human being and introducing himself, the conversation went much like this:

Grinch (after creeping up behind me, like he was gonna steal my toys): “hell-o”

me: “uh…hi”

Grinch (curling up his lips): “do you know who i am?”

me (puzzled and wierded out): “um….no”

Grinch (savoring the moment, probably to jack off later): “i’m the owner of this place”

instantly i thought here we go.  this is going to be a loooooooong ride.

since then he’s asked me to do the most stupid shit:

1. clean a calculator
2. pick up tissues on the floor of the bathroom
   

   yep, as hygienic as this

3. slow down when i answer the phone because “i have a nice voice”
4. not to eat during my lunch break because apparently every time that he’s seen me, i’m eating. thus drawing the conclusion that i eat too much, and hence should not eat. even though i’m on lunch
5. to work throughout lunch, even if that means talking on the phone w/ my mouth full
6. endless searches for companies that don’t exist, or research into his letters sent to him by the council

and most recently after a pole is installed in the ladies room, for me to dance on it and for him to watch because “that one” is a tremendous dancer.

he’s the equivalent if the Grinch and Hitler had a baby: twisted, racist, and very gay

No offense Gay people, but you have to admit, the Grinch was pretty gay

AND THE ICING ON THE CAKE

the Grinch cake

when the head chef came to ask me something, the Gri-tler, (that’s the Grinch and Hitler) as he will now be referred to as, interrupted by forcefully saying his name 3 times loudly upon which the chef responded

“yessir, boss!”

by the way…the chef is black.

just sayin'...

NOT Knowing is better off…

Okay so a few weeks ago I saw knowing.  And honestly I was willing, against my better judgment to see a Nicolas Cage film. And no I wasn’t stoned. And no I wasn’t drunk. And no, I wasn’t trying to score (but to tell you the truth I’m kinda up for it right now, somebody get me some flippin’ ice! Maybe this picture of ice will help me

anti-viagra

I was  gonna review Knowing but FUCK IT. no amount of witty words and make up for this scene.

oh...dear...god

is this what scientology is all about? i’d rather take the wraths and plagues, and burning…and satan before this…way before this…

I think it’s better for me to bitch about finding apartments.

Like WHY is it so hard? Like really. And I’m not a bad person, honestly. So what I make jokes about fat and/or ugly people. And sometimes racism is hilarious. But that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.

About a week and half ago I found a beautiful flat like 2 minutes from the tube and it had a BIG living room.  I mean BIG. Like you could aerobics in that shit or a list host a very small dance class such as the one below

Plus it had an outside balcony. And it was above the letting shop. So if I had a problem, I could come down. Not to mention I wouldn’t have to worry about crotchety bitches…

even he's not that crotchety...and he lives in a fucking trash can

( it’s like HELLO! You’re in an apartment numnuts of course you can hear people on the floor DIRECTLY above you . it’s called C-O-M-P-A-R-T-M-E-N-T  L-I-V-I-N-G. if you want absolute peace and quiet go to a park and feed pigeons you old BAG)

Anyhoo, I digress.  But the landlord met me and he reminded me of my old philo teacher whom my mom wanted me to go out with b/c he “knew about our people”. Oh yeah my mom’s crazy.  And we talked about everything , including george bush, the States oh and how much money I made (impacted decision…maybe?) but he said I was nice but nope, I didn’t make enough money.

Today I found an ad for the SAME apartment for even less money, thus making it affordable. I thought I would phone up and change my accent and see if I could get a viewing and then go “HA! Douche bags! Thanks for NOTHIN’!”. But then I thought that would be kinda stalker-y. especially since I phoned her like 3 times already asking if it was still available…

Okay it’s 1 am and i have to be at work early tomorrow. I already know who’s gonna be a crotchety bitch tomorrow…

How do you do?

Good afternoon, this is your author speaking.  You’re on a first blog service to Brown Sugar today. We’re expecting some bitching, ethical dilemmas, political rants, and cake. So sit back, relax, and thank you for dining with Brown Sugar.